i bought a book recently at the popular book fair last month.

it's titled 'The Last Lecture' by Randy Pausch. I think many people might have seen his 'Last Lecture' clip in Youtube before.

If you have not, here it is.

He passed away few months ago of Pancreatic Cancer.

He was just in his 40s. He got married when he was 37, he had 3 very young children. He was at the prime of his life. He had a lovely family, a fantastic career, everything was perfect until he had a cancer relapse and was only given months to live.

But he was a very positive person. His book was all about his optimism, how he coped, how he lead his very fulfilling life, his outlook, how he hope his children could remember him, his values and how he embraced life.. it is really a very great book.

but after reading his book, i just felt... empty.

i dunno how to explain this, i dun feel negative or depressed or sad..its just a very lost feeling.

its like there are people out there who had so many things to do, so many dreams to pursue...who still had lots of responsibilities, who has so much drive..and yet denied the chance to live.

and yet..there are people like me..who exist for the sake of existing. who is just like one extra person in this world and that if i suddenly disappear one day, people will probably just remember me for a short while and move on. i tried to recall very hard what dreams i had when i was young and things that i badly wanted to do but never had the chance to. but unfortunately there was none. maybe i was not ambitious at all since young.. i had wanted to be a car park cashier because they had their own rooms with aircon...*faint*

i mean i'm really not afraid of dying. in fact, i will not even be sad if i were to pass away tomorrow. I had done all that i had wanted to do in my present life that i even cant think of anything that i want to do that badly anymore. i would really really gladly give the rest of my life away to anyone who needs it. 

my friends gave me some suggestions:-

1. how about touring the world? ~ its a great idea but it doesnt sound like a big deal to me whether i go to US or Europe or not. My dream destination had always been Japan since young and i had went there in 2002.

2. how about doing voluntary work? ~ i am already doing

i know i should be contented with what i have. i have friends who remain as cat 1 friends even after they give birth/are attached (even though most friends somehow became cat 2 and 3 friends after they get attached, but lets face it, there are always more fair weather friends than those who genuinely care about you) so i'm rather satisfied with the group of people i am hanging out with now, u know who u are. my family is okay ~ of course if i had a choice, i will always choose staying on my own. my career is fine although i am really tired and there is really a lot of work, work is piling up and it doesnt help that u know your colleagues have different workloads and some of them get really vocal and distracting when they are very free and i really get pretty frustrated when i'm trying to concentrate and get my work done..but i still can get through that. honestly, i really cant pinpoint wat is really wrong.

am i just too bored?

naj thinks that its probably time that i should quit my job and i'm seriously considering that.

van thinks that i should get a boyfriend but i still dun believe in love.

i just feel terrible. for no apparent reason.

is this how people with mid life crisis should feel?