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Friday, August 1, 2008
to my grandma
You cannot read or understand English but one day, i know u will read and understand all that i've wrote.

dear ah ma
i'm sorry
i'm sorry that i've been an unfilial grandchild and i've not visited you much for the past 2 years.
in fact, i really hope that i was able to share with you all that has happened in my life.
but i cant. each time you ask about him, i will be filled with guilt.
i'm sorry to let you down.
i really hope to let you know the truth. but i was just so afraid.
i cannot predict you reaction. and i dunno if i can bear the consequences.
ah-ma, i know you will know the truth one day.
but i just want to tell you that its not your fault. so please do not blame yourself.
its a part and parcel of my life and if this is my 因果, let me be brave and shoulder it.
please trust and believe that i can carry on and be a much better person. And you need not worry about me.
i will be a grand daughter that you will be proud of. That nothing can ever beat me again.
ah ma, you know how it worries me when i see you again today?
u used to walk so speedily and now you cant walk steadily.
i'm filled with guilt, sadness and regrets to see your health deteriorating so much.
and yes, i'm so scared.
i'm so scared to lose you.
i will exchange anything - u can take 10 or 20 years of my life, in exchange of my ah-ma's good health again.
ah ma, i just wish to let u know that i know i'm your fave grand daughter, and you are my favourite grandma too. i will always remember your bedtime stories of how u married grandpa and the second world war and how you came to Singapore from China. 
and how you shielded me from mom's caning when i was little. 
and how you cooked my fave dishes (salted duck soup and egg omelette)
and how you would always say that i'm very pretty each morning before i left for work
how you would hug me so very often with your frail body and thin arms
ah ma, i really love u so very very much.
if one day, u know the truth, please forgive me
i really did a lot of wrong things in the past, but trust me, ah ma. if given another chance, i will not repeat my mistakes again.
ah ma,  please get well again.

love
meiping



posted @ 11:03 PM